Infertility affects couples everywhere. Failure to conceive can put a strain on a marriage.

 

By Kevin Woo | The Asian Parent

Having a baby is one of life’s great joys, and the process for getting pregnant is fairly universal. But sometimes things don’t go exactly as they should. For some couples (particularly those who are older) it can take years to get pregnant. Other couples can spend a small fortune on infertility treatments and still fail to conceive.

 

Barbara O’Neill and her husband tried for seven years without success. She says that when it was that time of the month to have sex it became strain on the marriage.

 

“I am certain this affected my marriage,” says O’Neill. “My husband and I dealt with nothing except the infertility for seven years.  Our (non-reproductive) sex life had become non-existent. Infertility is a physical, emotional and psychological stressor, which those who are not afflicted with do not understand.”

 

Laurie Watson, a sex therapist and author of Wanting Sex Again: How to Rediscover Your Desire and Heal a Sexless Marriage offers advice to couples who are experiencing stress in their sex life as they try to get pregnant.

 

If you are unable to conceive and it begins to make you question your masculinity or femininity what should you do?

 

Often we believe our full destiny is to be a mother or father.  It can be unnerving to wait month after month when parents and families increase the pressure for a couple to produce children.  We can worry that our bodies are not functioning right. Most of the time pregnancy simply takes time.  If the couple is older or it takes longer than a year, the couple should definitely seek a medical evaluation.

 

What should you do if you become angry or depressed? How do you not let it affect the ultimate goal?

 

Stress over unmet expectations or grief over miscarriages when everyone around you seems to be easily getting pregnant can affect your mood.  Men tend to express depression through anger and women feel weepy or more moody.  It can be harder to feel desire when anxiety and depression become clinically significant.  Men and women should avoid antidepressants. They can make it more difficult for a male to ejaculate and antidepressants are known to reduce the libido in both sexes.

 

What should you do if dysfunctions such as lack of arousal, performance anxiety, premature ejaculation or ED kick in?

 

Take a month break from the trying to get pregnant.  Set time aside to focus on pleasure only.  For him, lack of arousal means no erection.  Sometimes, penises balk at the demand to perform even if the man is committed to having children. Viagra will work for even psychological erectile problems. Premature ejaculation would only be a problem for fertility if he cannot hold off until penetration.

 

What if you don’t have any of these issues during other times when you have normal sex – they only manifest when you’re trying to have reproductive sex?  

 

Situational sexual issues should be explored as possibly psychological.  Becoming parents brings mixed feelings of happiness and trepidation.  Talking this over with a trained psychotherapist can help resolve internal conflicts so that the body is once more freed for pleasure.

 

Men have egos and the thought of ejaculating bad sperm isn’t something they want to think about.  Women don’t want to think about bad eggs. What should you do?

 

Couples should take joint ownership of getting pregnant. Any problem in their individual bodies should be considered “their” problem. A man should always be tested first because the tests are easy and non-invasive. A woman can start with simple blood tests from a reputable fertility specialist.  Promise each other that they won’t blame the other for bad test results.

 

Check out the first part of the interview with sex therapist Laurie Watson here: When sex becomes a chore